I rather be an Old Man’s Sweetheart, than a Young Man’s fool

About 6 months after my divorce, I had my shortest relationship ever, a rebound relationship and one that resulted in one of my greatest surprises. Although I wasn’t supposed to be able to have more children, shortly after this relationship ended I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter.

Life was once again on the tough side when I had my daughter in March 1993. When I had divorced in 1991 I had my own interior design business. The South African economy took a nose dive as you will have read, or can read about in the Work Realm articles. After my daughter was born I took on any jobs I could get, consulting projects, hourly paid work and I still worked at the restaurant in the evening. As with all the after-hours work I did, she was always with me. One of the projects I was working on was a multimedia kiosk for Tourism. As part of the marketing team I was in charge of finding locations for these kiosk’s to be placed. A friend of mine introduced me to his cousin who was the Managing Director of the advertising company with sole and exclusive rights at South Africa’s airports.

He was significantly older than me

The attraction was instant, this was a man significantly older than me and in fact he was a few months older than my Dad, charming, handsome, warm and kind. This was the beginning of a long term love affair that continued over the the next 7 years. Yes hindsight is an exact science and looking back right now I could tell you exactly what it is that I needed in that relationship. I am not sharing this relationship with you in any way to legitimise having an affair, to try and reconcile my part in what was a very trying time for his family, it just is what happened. What I am going to share with you is the why, why I had the affair, what else I received as a result of it, and the price I paid, even though it was years later that the bill was presented, and I share it with you later in the love realm series.

I got my biggest career break through him

About 8 months after our affair began I started working as a sales consultant within his company, this truly was the greatest break I ever got. He was an amazing mentor, a legend in his field and he taught me everything he knew. As much as I got the break because I was his mistress, I worked harder than anyone in the business to prove that I wasn’t just sleeping my way to the top. We worked hard and partied harder, the advertising industry didn’t take prisoners, although I have never been great at consuming alcohol though.

Soothing my conscience

Knowing that what I was doing was not right, in my own way I did things to appease my conscience. He was married with 4 older children, all only a few years younger than me. After a very short time it was quite common knowledge in the industry, and to his family that we were an item. I did my bit, in my own mind to make sure that he attended all the import events, that flowers and gifts were fabulous and this made me feel better about what I was doing.

My relationship with my ex-husband was tenuous at best and we were going through a trying time over custody of our children. This I cover off extensively in the Family Realm series. During this time my relationship with the older man allowed me security, without the commitment of living together and marriage. It provided love and affection without the strings, and he was there with me when the chips were down and things were tough. Money was tight in those days and his generosity helped me feed and clothe my kids and myself. He bought me wonderful gifts and he gave me the opportunity to travel to England and visit my Dad for the first time in 10 years.

These were very happy times for me as a young single parent making my way into the world and I know that I in many ways served various needs in his life. That is what human nature is, all about fulfilling against your highest values (needs). Our relationship was a very good one for several years, interspersed with volatile periods whereby someone in the family found out we were still together, or when a disgruntled person wrote to his wife to spill the beans. On several occasions he left his wife and lived with me for a while, and for some reason or another, he always ended up going home. There was something about the allure of his known life, the certainty of family, his children and now Grandchildren and his wife. What became apparent to me was the uncertainty of my life with him. With all the comforts and trappings of being a mistress comes the unpredictability of stolen moments, short periods when he could be away from the family and home, I began to feel as though I was permanently on call.

This began to put increased strain upon the relationship and eventually it was an all or nothing conversation and we closed the door on 7 years together. We didn’t talk to each other for a long time after this, but we have retained a fondness for each other and remember each other on our birthdays.

I served a need for him

Over the years we were together I worked out and discussed with him what the need I served was for him, we spoke about it in depth and I understood it completely. That part of the story is not mine to share, but I will share my needs at that time as I identified them many years later.

I had been left devastated by my divorce. I was emotionally and financially battered, my relationship with my ex-husband was acrimonious at best. When I had my rebound relationship and then found out I was pregnant, the company I worked for was furious. This was a Christian company and even though this was the 90’s a pregnancy out of wedlock was scandalous and a sin and as a result I lost my job. No companies would hire a pregnant women and I ended up working shifts in a restaurant, baking cakes, making chocolates and doing whatever it took to make the rent.

This was difficult on my sons who were living with me at the time and I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life. This decision played possibly the biggest role and had the greatest impact on my life. It lead to years of painful and expensive litigation, estrangement from my sons for periods of time whilst they were growing up and permanent estrangement now. Not being in a position to support all of us while I was pregnant, I had to move in to a tiny converted stable / cottage and I asked my ex-husband and his new wife to look after the boys.

Now I was the single parent of one and the divorced mother of another two. I was emotionally traumatised by my divorce, distressed by the short term relationship I had with my daughter’s father and frankly, I was a mess. I wanted someone to look after me, care for me, help and support me, I wanted someone mature, who would find me special, who would want only good things for me, but I wanted to be able to call the shots in my own home. I didn’t want someone in my personal space 24/7 and I didn’t want to have the at home relationship responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing etc. This is exactly why I attracted him into my life, he ticked every box and continued to do so until as Dr Demartini so succinctly puts it; “The disadvantages outweighed the advantages, the risks outweighed the reward, and the pain outweighed the pleasure.”

Having read An Older Man’s Sweetheart has I hope, made you aware that there’s always a price to pay and that there is no such thing as friends with benefits. No matter how a relationship begins, if there’s a meaningful connection between the two of you, as was the case here for me, you get to the point where you want more and when you can’t have more, anger and resentment will step in and take over – that’s just how it is, that’s how the cookie always crumbles.

Question:

Yes you can have anything you want in life, but are you really prepared to pay the price which life will ask of you around this?

Exercise:

1. Think about something in your life right now, which you know is wrong, you should not be doing this. Write it down please.
2. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle splitting it in half.
3. On the one half list all the pros you’re experiencing around this and on the opposite half list all the cons.
4. Right now, the pros will outweigh the cons as unless they did, you wouldn’t still find yourself in this life experience.
5. Now, turn your attention to the cons, each one of them.
6. Allow yourself to really connect with the price you’re paying or going to pay, around each one. Feel the emotions and list them and as you do, think back to events in your life when the same emotions were so powerfully present and remember what happened to you then.
7. Write all this down – it’s important to write as writing stimulates thinking and so as you write and explore the price associated with each con, new thoughts will flood in to your head and help you to see the bigger picture, more clearly.
8. Yet again, its decision time – now that you’re looking at this part of your life in a more balanced way, make a decision and when you do, know this – whatever your decision is, there’s a price to pay, so make the one which is best for you and your peace of mind.

My profound lesson:

My life lesson is that it is not okay to have an extra-marital affair. The price you will pay is huge, the price they will pay is huge and the price everyone else will pay, is huge too. When it all explodes and it will, guaranteed, the pain will be extreme and many lives will be left shattered and broken. If you’re in an affair right now, get out because the longer you stay the greater the price you will pay. When all was said and done, my affair had done my self-image and my self-esteem so much damage. I hated myself for being so stupid and I hated that I’d been so stupid as to foolishly believe that the desire to be with me could have been stronger than the desire to be with his blood / his family. The unprocessed negative emotions from my affair spilled over in to all my future relationships too, teaching me that everything is connected and so when you’re doing the wrong thing, try as you may to justify it, you will pay the price and in ways you never imagined possible.

To your success, with love

Suzanne.