Things may have been unpleasant but I was Keeping Up Appearances

I was never one for clean endings, I never had that “Cruel to be Kind” streak in me. Although I had decided to end my affair the finality took a few months. In recent times I have become better at making the hard choices and the tough decisions. I was always the one hoping that something would change, always giving them another chance. One of my unusual human character traits is that although I have boundaries, I wasn’t always good at communicating them. The line I drew in the sand, you know the one that you tell someone not to cross, and well I didn’t tell them as I always assumed they knew? What was worse for anyone in my life was that the line was fluid, not fixed, so they could cross it over and over again until one day, I would have had enough and it would be over as then they would have crossed it one time too many.

Like you, I judge everyone against my own highest values

A while ago whilst interviewing Dr John Demartini for our radio show I learned what it was that I was doing. You see relationship wise I had always had a skewed view on the morality of how they should be conducted; however generally I was of the one man one woman view. What I did do though, and like each one of us does, was measure every partner I had against my own highest values. Like most women, I gave off subtle signals when things weren’t going according to my values, but let’s face it, men aren’t the best at subtle signals and would prefer clear instructions. To this end, the conclusion of my affair took several months before it was finally done .

My friends wanted me to be normal, isn’t that a setting on the washing machine?

My inner circle whilst tolerant of my affair and the good things it brought into my life were desperate for me to have a normal, proper relationship. What is that I still ask my self today? They wanted me to have a boyfriend who would pitch up at functions, help with the kids, and be there. At this time both my mother and Douglas were living with me. I was still in the corporate outdoor advertising world and I worked extremely hard. The company I was working for had undergone a buyout and things were tenuous – you can read all about this in the work realm.

Douglas abused my hospitality on an ever increasing basis and I was just too exhausted to care. Many of his acquaintances traipsed through the house staying over and hanging around, most a little odd and strange. A few times I noticed someone who wasn’t like the rest. He was clean cut, neat and tidy and always quick to keep the house tidy when they been having a party. He became a regular visitor staying over quite a lot. He would often chat to me in the kitchen when I was cooking and was very personable in the beginning. Douglas and my mother were moving out as she and her then third husband were buying a house nearby.

It was like the maiden voyage of the Titanic

What happened then is really how I fell into a relationship to keep up appearances and keep everyone, except me, happy. When Douglas and my mother were preparing to move out of my house I suggested to him that he should come and stay in the house with me. He was talking about saving up to go overseas and I thought he be company for me as the house was going to be quiet.

He moved in, and I went into my default relationship and family programme of saving and changing everyone. I set him up in a Promotional Gift business and as always thought I was heading off into the sunset of happy ever after. This time around I hadn’t even consciously put any thought into what I was doing and I was like a freight train heading down the track at full speed. You’ll read additional snippets around this relationship in the Work stories, as we were together when I exited the corporate world to go out on my own.

This relationship was a disaster waiting to happen and can be likened to the Captain of the Titanic deliberately setting course for the iceberg. I was hell bent on making it work to keep everyone off my back about relationships. I mean come on, so I was divorced, that didn’t work; I had an affair, that didn’t work, but really, I only had a few relationships over 14 years, including a short 6 month rebound in between, I was hardly a woman of ill repute.

There were big changes in my work life

This time of my life was the time of my biggest career change and business growth. There were tough times financially, and for a while when I was sitting out a restraint of trade, meaning that I couldn’t work in my industry, I was supporting my daughter and me, and him and his mother. He was at this time resorting to his true nature, although he was neat and tidy around the house, he was lazy in the business. He talked a good talk but didn’t get stuff done.

I thought it was because he didn’t like the business sector and when I started my media company I set him up as a supplier, big mistake! I was left with running my and his business and foolishly reaping none of the rewards financially. I was too busy getting the media business up and running to worry about what he was doing with the money.

Behaving like a spoilt brat

After a while he became sullen and refused to attend events with me, usually cancelling at the last minute and I would end up going alone. This caused embarrassment over and over again as I had RSVP’d for two and then arrived alone, and eventually I just stopped asking him to go with me.

About three years in to the relationships things hit rock bottom I told him it was over and that we were going to split. My media business was flying at the time, I was ripe for a change and wanted to buy a new house, and have a fresh start. He was devastated, made every promise in the world and begged for a chance, Bronte my daughter was so distraught that she told me that if he went she was going with him. I caved in and agreed to try again.

I still bought the new house, we went on a great overseas holiday in the summer, but nothing was changing because I was still paying for everything. This wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t still running the business end of the business I’d set up for him, on top of this I was sending him all the business as I was his supplier too. Confusing and infuriating to me now, but back then I wasn’t listening to my inner voices.

I even bought my own engagement ring

In many ways the relationship became emotionally abusive. My weight has always fluctuated, not that I have ever been hugely overweight, but I have certainly been chubby. My business partner her husband and my mother piled on the pressure, so much so that in the August on 2006 I bought my own diamond ring and organised him to get engaged. What a mess. No one was happy for me, I wasn’t happy for me and it was then that I realised that I was dancing to everyone’s tune. They weren’t happy for me because keeping me uncertain, kept me toeing the line in terms of what everyone wanted me to do in my business.

We set a date to get married the following August. He was comfortable in his position, allowing me to pay for everything and keep the thousands of dollars he was making every month to do who knows what with.

In December 2006 were about to go away on a holiday to Malawi and at the last moment he said he wasn’t coming because he couldn’t get the planning done to deliver on the work expectations. He couldn’t handle stress and our busiest time was prior to the summer holidays. We had one of the busiest seasons ever and he couldn’t hack the pressure. He would do this at the last minute as he knew that I would step in, sort it out and get it done.

This was a mini tipping point once again. I sorted everything out and we went away. Three days in to my holiday though I woke up and the right hand side of my face was paralysed, I had Bels Palsy brought on by the continued stress and pressure. Another warning bell, but I didn’t listen.

As the months in 2007 were passing I didn’t mention wedding arrangements and thankfully neither did he. We were hardly physical with each other at all, unless he wanted to borrow money from me, or get me to invest in one of his plans. The most difficult part of this relationship was that I had no-one to turn to and confide in and in these circumstances the conflicting emotions were extreme. August was approaching and I diverted everyone’s attention away from any talk of a wedding by having a massive bash for my 42^nd birthday. I didn’t have a big bash for my 21^st so I thought I would spoil myself with a party the week after my birthday. Like most women I love my birthday, but there is something about Leos, I mean we LOVE our birthdays and I can stretch mine out for the entire month. We would always go away somewhere, which was why the party was set for the week after, and at the last moment he told me he was going hunting and would be back on the night of my birthday, he didn’t think it mattered because he would be there for the party. I felt like I had been shot. I was in a daze. Come the weekend of my 42^nd party, my nerves were raw, I had caterers, a venue and performers. True to form at the last minute all hell broke loose, he wasn’t coming, I didn’t appreciate him, and everything was all about me, but actually he always made sure that everything was all about him. I just told him that he was right and that if didn’t have to come if he didn’t want to.

Earlier in the year we had agreed to go on a tour to Argentina in September, he was going to pay for this and when the time came he told me to pay for the trip and he would give me the money. I did this in the August. I had an exciting September lined up, I was off to France for the Rugby World Cup, back and then off to Argentina for a Tango tour, back home and then off to England for my aunt’s 70^th birthday. I just looked forward, focused on the trips and ignored my birthday disappointment.

The trip to Paris was wonderful, South Africa won their opening match, I remember sitting in the reception of our hotel at 2am eating smoked salmon and drinking champagne and I had one of the greatest moments of clarity in my life. It was over, I was going back to South Africa, I would do the Argentina trip and then I was throwing in the towel. I had the best night’s sleep I had had in years.

On returning home, he was petulant and acting in the most spoilt way. My kids were furtive and they didn’t want to tell me anything. The atmosphere was tense but there was no time to sort it out before leaving for Argentina. As I had paid for the trip in August and he had not reimbursed me, he was providing the spending money for the trip. We left for the airport non-verbally declaring a truce and it was only when we were mid-air did he tell me that he had left his wallet and credit cards at home. Thankfully I had everything with me, but he knew that I would. Not only did I pay for the trip, the spending money and keepsakes, but he socialised up a storm with the people on tour with us, Mr Conversation, meanwhile back in the room he would ignore me, and as for intimacy and sex, don’t even ask!

Laying the cards on the table

I am slow to boil, too slow most would say. I still had another trip before I could sit down with him and lay the cards on the table. The kids definitely knew that there was something wrong but the timing was awful and I left for my aunt’s birthday without setting things straight, what a difficult 5 weeks this was. Returning home I was clearer than I had been before about what I didn’t want, knowing that this was the time to start reflecting on what I did want. What kind of example was I showing the kids around relationships, respect, and self-worth? I came back with a flea in my ear sat him down and told him exactly how things were and gave him a few weeks to get out.

Once again he tried to smooth things over, makes things ok, and for a moment I nearly folded. Eventually my kids stepped in and told me that he hadn’t been there all the time when I was away, and when he was there he had spent a lot of time drinking with a woman I knew. What an eye opener, it was over. Keeping up appearances and trying to please everyone but myself came at a huge price, and I was the one paying.

Although he had never contributed to our life style, we had been together for some time and he insisted upon a separation agreement, with some potential compensation, this was another cost and you will read about this in the Money Stories

Having read Keeping Up Appearances hopefully this has made you realise that doing things to please everyone else and to fit in, is the fastest way to a miserable, unhappy and unfulfilled life. There will be “those people” who want to control you and who want you to do things in certain way such that you fit in. They don’t know they’re doing this, but all they’re busy with, is projecting all their insecurities on to you as when you fit in, you’re no longer holding up a mirror to them which reminds them of the price they’re paying for fitting-in; quite laughable actually!

Question:

Did you know that when you do what is hard your life will become easier, but if you do what is easy your life will become harder?

Exercise:

1. Think about something happening in your life right now where you’re doing something out of character merely to please someone else or worse still, to fit in. Write a short piece about this – about how it is for you and how it makes you feel.
2. If this person wasn’t in your life or you weren’t trying to fit in, how different would this situation be for you? Again, write a short piece describing how it would be for you, why things would be so very different and how this would make you feel.
3. Now compare your two pieces of writing and identify the price you’re paying for not being true to yourself, for allowing others to “bully” you in to fitting in, for keeping up appearances, for doing what is easy in that this prevents conflict.
4. Given this new, more balanced perspective, is this what you really want and are the advantages of “keeping up appearances” really outweighing the disadvantages or has an awareness shift just happened inside you?
5. Yet again, it’s decision time – do what’s right for you – listen to what your inner voice is saying as chances are it’s been drowned out for a very long time by all “their” loud external voices telling you what to do because “we know what’s best for you.”

My profound lesson:

What keeping up appearances taught me was that I needed to do what made me happy and to hell with what everyone else thinks. Strong words I know, but unless I do what gives me joy and happiness and peace, joy, happiness and peace will always evade me as they’re to be found inside me, not outside of me. These feelings do not come from doing what everyone else tells me I should be doing. Besides, how could this be possible given that other people don’t know what my highest values are? Keeping up appearances also taught me a huge lesson around self-image and self-confidence. Had my self-confidence been high enough at the time I’d have had no need to be doing things which made everyone else happy. Now that I think back on it, all those who were so busy telling me what to do, when to do it and how to do it, would never have accepted my running such lines of constant dictatorship in their lives and homes. Quite the contrary – they would have thrown a hissy fit and told me where to get off in no uncertain terms. What I want you to always remember is that the highest energy always wins. So, when you’re doing things to fit in, to please everyone else, you’re giving away your energy to them, which weakens you and strengthens them. This allows what is already a very destructive relationship for you, to intensify. I now do what makes me happy. I am who I am and what others think of me or say about me, really is none of my business. I learned that when I did what was easy (in that I didn’t dare rock the boat) my life became unbearably hard! Today I am true to myself, I do what is hard (e.g. not attempting to fit in) and therefore my life is easier.

To your success, with love

Suzanne.