In the beginning

I met Chris through my media business; whilst working for the bank he booked one of our biggest activation campaigns ever. I met him when our account manager needed some moral support. My business partner and I had a rule in the business, that our girls would not be out numbered in meetings. It is amazing how clients will try to push the envelope and bully account managers into one sided business arrangements. I remember getting a message that my account manager and business partner were outnumbered in an operational meeting, and would I join them? So I did. The deal had been done, but the international operational team working on behalf of the bank was led by an incredibly pompous man, who was attempting to bluster and bully his point across. Chris was particularly bored by this stage and was typing emails on his Blackberry under the table. I leaned across, touched him gently on the arm and asked him if we were boring him, and that is how we met. This was 2007 and I was very much entrenched in my “Keeping up Appearances Relationship” and Chris at this time, was involved with someone else. As we left the meeting room, my business partner did the strangest thing, she looked me in the eye and said “Doll, now that’s the man you should marry.”

He Was On The Market

Fast forward a year later to August 2008. My business partner discovered that Chris and his then partner had separated earlier in the year and invited him to attend a business dinner. Another friend of mine who worked in the same bank, was telling me about a guy that she’d like to set me up on a date with. Now at that stage the bank they both worked for employed 35 000 people so it didn’t occur to me that this was the same guy, but it was. We had dinner, we had coffee, and we even shared a kiss, but nothing too much more for about a month and a half. I needed a partner for an event and I took a very bold step for me and invited Chris to join me. The venue was out of town so it would involve a stay over and I thought nothing ventured nothing gained. Now in most romantic movies you would hear them say and the rest is history, but nothing could have been further than the truth.

A Whirlwind Romance

I would like to say that we fell head over heels in love with each other, and in a way we did. But it was closer to falling into the same vibration as each other. I knew that if I was going to be in a relationship with Chris, it was going to be all or nothing. I cannot actually tell you why I knew, but for the very first time in my life I absolutely wanted something for myself. We had a whirlwind romance, and whilst on an impromptu trip to London on 23^rd November 2008 Chris asked me to marry him in the Whispering Gallery at St Paul’s Cathedral, and I said yes.The next 5 weeks were a whirlwind of activity, Chris moved in with me and we began to plan our wedding. Both of us thought that the other one wanted a big wedding, and so we were planning accordingly.

Getting The Girls Together

We took a trip to see Chris’ daughters and deliver Christmas presents, before enjoying a week’s holiday with them in South Africa’s legendary Kruger National Park at the beginning of the New Year.

On Christmas Eve 2008, Chris began to experience tremors in his right arm. They would come and go, but when they came they were very severe. Gradually over the next two weeks they started to spread to his legs too. He kept it as hidden as he could and we went on holiday with our three girls. To all intents and purposes it was a very successful holiday with everyone getting along ok.

Chris’ Lower Back Collapsed Completely

It was a long trip home on the Saturday after the holiday. We had just finished unpacking and we were standing in the kitchen when Chris’ legs suddenly collapsed underneath him. I just managed to stop him from smashing his head on the granite counters. Chris was admitted into hospital and there began a very scary journey. These spells were directly related to his back, and the doctors conducted a barrage of tests to determine the severity of the damage – MRI scans, neurological tests, and more. Back surgery was scheduled for Thursday early morning.

The initial surgery although long, was a complete success, but this was to be the least of our problems though. Chris had an allergic reaction to morphine as a pain inhibitor – his past forays into drugs had left him with an intolerance for morphine. Neither of us had thought to mention his past involvement with drugs on his admission forms. His reaction to the morphine resulted in an erratic heart beat and the pump had to be removed. Over the next few days the nursing staff struggled to control his pain levels. He was manhandled by a trainee and experienced extreme pain and distress. The nursing staff were sympathetic to his pain and provided a massive cocktail of painkillers, but this wasn’t working. On the Saturday he returned to high care where the attending physician ordered an intravenous cocktail to control his pain. “He is on the most legal high anyone can handle” were his exact words.

I cannot express my fear and sadness watching him suffer, knowing how much I loved him, and not being able to help him. For four days Chris floated between a painful reality and a drug induced haze. On the Wednesday the physician began to wean him off the painkillers and on to prescription medication. I was running between both of my businesses, Bronte’s school and the hospital and trying to arrange our wedding scheduled for May 1^st 2009.

Chris Experienced Mental Meltdown

As Chris was coming down from all the high’s he’d been on, I could see that he had little or no recollection of the past week and the withdrawal from the medication was making him feel very low. We were hoping for him to come home on the Friday in time to spend the night with his daughters who were staying in Pretoria with us for the weekend. He wasn’t quite ready on the Friday, but we were able to get him home on the Saturday.

Prior to Chris’ admission to hospital we had arranged for his girls to be with us to be fitted for their Bridesmaid dresses, and this now fell on the same weekend in January 2009 that he was discharged. The house was chaotic. Mixed in with the wedding excitement was the concern we all felt for Chris and his recovery. Emotionally he was exhausted and physically he was broken by the experience of the past few weeks. I could see and feel his decline through the weekend. On the Monday his ex-wife came to fetch his daughters at our house and I invited her and her husband up to our room where Chris was in bed. They sat and made polite small talk for a few moments before launching the bomb which they’d obviously kept up their sleeve for months, announcing that they were all leaving for New Zealand just four days after our wedding. This was a surreal feeling; I remember it almost as if it were in slow motion. I watched the delight taken by his ex-wife in seeing Chris’ demeanour crumble and everyone saw the pain and distress spread across his very confused face.

After they left, the house was strangely quiet. I could almost see the barrier forming between Chris and me. He was going deep inside himself to try to handle what was happening to his life around him and he had no control. That night was awful. We both lay awake, Chris deep inside himself trying to come to terms with what was happening to him (he didn’t even know I was there) and me laying there while my dreams shattered around me. I was filled with despair. On Tuesday morning Chris declared that he needed to go home to his parents, to regroup, recover and sort his head out. The bottom dropped out of my world, as it was just a few days to his 40^th birthday. I had his beautiful new watch and the pencil portrait of his girls wrapped already. I’d been so excited at the thought of spoiling him, something he so richly deserved on his birthday. As he was driven out of our driveway my resolve cracked, I was truly shattered. It was only a few days to my youngest sons 21^st birthday and I was trying very hard to be present for him.

Chris was in a terrible state emotionally. He didn’t communicate much in the days leading up to his birthday apart from a few disjointed text messages. The hurt hung heavily across the distance between us. Chris agreed to see me on the 4^th of February. I was ill in anticipation of this, Chris had had a distant relationship with his parents at the time and I hadn’t formally met them as yet. I drove through to his parent’s home feeling like a condemned person walking to the hangman’s noose.

I will never forget sitting there next to him as he lay on the small single bed in his Mom’s study, sitting there while he read out aloud the letter he’d written to me explaining why we were over, why he couldn’t marry me and how he had to sort his life out and that he had to do this alone. He gave me the letter and kissed me goodbye. I remember walking out of his parent’s home, I left hugging his Mom tight telling her that I loved him anyway and that I always would. Starting the agonising trip home, the heavens opened in a spectacular Highveld storm, and it poured down in torrents. I don’t remember how I got home at all.

I Went To Pieces

Having always been the one my friends turned to in heartache, the shoulder that they all cried on, I was completely lost and stunned. My daughter, had never seen her Mom go to bits, my mother and business partner were very concerned too; they contacted, my dear friend and mentor Nic Griffin who stepped in and sent me to Thornybush Game Lodge for a few days in an attempt to ease my soul and soothe my broken heart. My daughter was a great comfort to me through this time and rarely left my side, and for that I am most grateful.

After they left, the house was strangely quiet. I could almost see the barrier forming between Chris and me. He was going deep inside himself to try to handle what was happening to his life around him and he had no control. That night was awful. We both lay awake, Chris deep inside himself trying to come to terms with what was happening to him (he didn’t even know I was there) and me laying there while my dreams shattered around me. I was filled with despair. On Tuesday morning Chris declared that he needed to go home to his parents, to regroup, recover and sort his head out. The bottom dropped out of my world, as it was just a few days to his 40^th birthday. I had his beautiful new watch and the pencil portrait of his girls wrapped already. I’d been so excited at the thought of spoiling him, something he so richly deserved on his birthday. As he was driven out of our driveway my resolve cracked, I was truly shattered. It was only a few days to my youngest sons 21^st birthday and I was trying very hard to be present for him.

Chris was in a terrible state emotionally. He didn’t communicate much in the days leading up to his birthday apart from a few disjointed text messages. The hurt hung heavily across the distance between us. Chris agreed to see me on the 4^th of February. I was ill in anticipation of this, Chris had had a distant relationship with his parents at the time and I hadn’t formally met them as yet. I drove through to his parent’s home feeling like a condemned person walking to the hangman’s noose.

I will never forget sitting there next to him as he lay on the small single bed in his Mom’s study, sitting there while he read out aloud the letter he’d written to me explaining why we were over, why he couldn’t marry me and how he had to sort his life out and that he had to do this alone. He gave me the letter and kissed me goodbye. I remember walking out of his parent’s home, I left hugging his Mom tight telling her that I loved him anyway and that I always would. Starting the agonising trip home, the heavens opened in a spectacular Highveld storm, and it poured down in torrents. I don’t remember how I got home at all.

I Went To Pieces

Having always been the one my friends turned to in heartache, the shoulder that they all cried on, I was completely lost and stunned. My daughter, had never seen her Mom go to bits, my mother and business partner were very concerned too; they contacted, my dear friend and mentor Nic Griffin who stepped in and sent me to Thornybush Game Lodge for a few days in an attempt to ease my soul and soothe my broken heart. My daughter was a great comfort to me through this time and rarely left my side, and for that I am most grateful.

I never realised before how long 103 days can be. It’s a long time when you’re counting the hours of every one of the days. Chris had ended it with me and he and I were on our own separate journeys to begin releasing the chains that were individually dragging us down.

I Had To Go On

I continued my own journey here, I had started my journey in 2007, my year as a single lady. I had been in therapy and read many, many books and articles. You never reach “The Destination”, there are many destinations in your journey of personal growth. I have always had an interest in alternative thinking and healing, and I have read lots of books and teachings. In my late 30’s I had been introduced to a wonderful teacher and healer, Richard Higgins. Richard began his journey in the 19070’s studying Sacred Geometry, Shamanic Healing, Family Constellation and so much more, developing his own system of Transpersonal Numerology. I decided to go and look him up again and get some insight to the intensity of the feelings I had around Chris and me.

Richard always tells it like it is, by taking my birth date and then Chris’s he gave more insight to me around where I was in my journey at that moment. He gave me a lot of insight into Chris and where he was in his journey, and then he put our numbers together. He sat quietly, eyes closed for a while, connecting with the field, as he calls it. A hugely spiritual man, Richard waited for signs and insight before just speaking. He opened his eyes, looked directly in to mine and asked “Do you really want this man in your life?” I responded that I did and he spent another hour discussing our chart. I will share more about this in the second part of our story as I took Chris to see Richard when we got back together. What Richard told me was, that if we were younger he would have told me to run like hell. But he said, you have a challenging chart, and if you can make it work, with maturity on your side, it will be a great relationship. My connection to Chris was the strongest connection I had ever had in a relationship, I wasn’t going to let a few challenging numbers get in my way.

This part of our story was only the dress rehearsal for the main event. This was about coming to terms with a part of our past, clearing the first path into the tangled jungle of our lives. I clung to the thought that he loved me, but not knowing how I knew. Chris was undergoing very strict therapy to help him come to terms with so much of his past and there was to be no direct contact between us. He did keep my ex-business partner up to date from time to time. Some of the updates (in fact most of them) she was able to share with me and some she wasn’t. Although she and I are no longer in touch, I am extremely grateful to her for her support in that time.

My Daughters 16th Birthday Loomed

My daughter missed Chris very much and was quietly desperate for a birthday message from him, when she turned 16 n the 26th of March. Her delight when she received one was immeasurable and my grieving heart was stilled. Somehow, and I don’t know why, but I knew that he loved us both, but this leg of the journey was a brutally hard one for both of us. Little did we know that it was only the beginning of a journey even huger?

The Intended Wedding Date Drew Near

Our original wedding date of May 1^st 2009 was fast approaching and with it the arrival of my family and friends from the UK. They had bought flight tickets for the wedding that couldn’t be refunded so I told them all to come anyway. We’d decided to travel up to Thornybush for a few days. I didn’t want to be at home alone on what was to have been the happiest day of my life.

During this time Chris was recovering well physically and he made tentative contact with me two weeks before what would have been our wedding day; just a few text messages, and very general conversation. During this time Chris’ ex-wife had been in touch as before leaving for New Zealand. His daughters had wanted to say goodbye to my daughter and me. All the turmoil and emotion was like riding a roller-coaster. The day before my friends and family arrived from the UK, we had confirmed that we’d see each other and Chris would drop his daughters at the house on Sunday, the 3^rd of May, for them to spend the day with us and say goodbye. My emotions were running riot, but I needed to keep all in check for my family’s arrival, their questions and our trip to Thornybush. I rented a big people mover to take the nine of us up to Thornybush. We left on the Wednesday and an hour or so after we’d set off for Thornybush, I received a text from Chris. It was a gentle and kind message underpinned with great care and warmth. I knew that he was feeling the depth of emotion of what would have been our wedding too. The messages continued through-out the day until we made our way into the Reserve which had limited mobile phone reception at that time. Those messages calmed my mind. I knew, I just knew – we were far from over.

It was a cathartic time for the family, for them to know that I was healing, and that most importantly the break-up wasn’t about Chris and me, it was about everything in our lives which had happened before. This was the hardest part for them to come to terms with but they tried to understand. On our daily Game Drives we could get mobile phone reception in some places and I waited, steeled myself to see if there were any messages from Chris. No matter how hard I tried not to, I wanted to hear from him, and I did. Chris was going through the most traumatic time. These were his last few days with his daughters and I wanted to be there for him, as much as I could, and as much as he would let me.

The drive home from Thornybush was one filled with anticipation it was Day 102, not that I was counting and tomorrow would be day 103. I would see Chris, and I would know in reality, what I felt in my mind and heart.

Like A Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

The family was on tender hooks on the Sunday morning. My dad was keen to see Chris and wanted to know if he’d come in to the house. I didn’t know. I’d leave that up to him. The text messages began. He was on his way; he was close; he was here. I will never forget seeing his car coming up to the driveway, the girls tumbling, out hugging me, hugging my daughter and running with her into the house. Chris climbed out of the car. Walking up to me he hugged me and I couldn’t let go. I could literally feel his heart beating next to mine. We were both shaking. I invited him to come in. A little uncertain at first he agreed. I couldn’t let go of his hand and in reality I realised that he couldn’t let go of mine either. He stayed for a while making small talk with the family and then he had to go.

Time To Say Goodbye

That was the moment I asked him if I could be at the airport on Tuesday when his daughters left, not to say goodbye to them as they were spending time with me now, but to be there for him. I remember all those years ago watching my dad turn and walk away from me at the airport in London when I left for South Africa. I’ll never forget watching him do it alone. Chris agreed – I knew then that so much of what we had was still there.

Tuesday morning arrived, tumultuous in different ways. I’d had his daughters with me for two days (not just a few hours as per the original arrangement) and at the last minute I discovered that they were flying out of Johannesburg on the Tuesday mid-morning and not on the Tuesday evening as Chris had been led to believe by his ex-wife. As a professional relationship coach I’ve learned that yes, men do extremely stupid things in life and to their families, but men rarely have the cruel streak some women do. I made sure that Chris knew so that he could be there with them at the airport. When I arrived at the airport I greeted Chris and his girls but I sat a few tables away. They joined me after a short while and we chatted as best we could, with the moment of departure looming.

Chris looked up at me and said he had to go. He hugged and kissed his girls goodbye and turned on his heel to leave. Everyone’s eyes upon him, watching him alone, remembering my dad, I got up from the table walked up to him slipped my hand in his, eyes front and we walked together, silently, closely. At least his daughters would see and know that he wasn’t alone. I walked with him to his car, helped him in to it as he was still wearing a massive back-brace which severely hindered his movements and then I just sat with him while he silently cried. He knew that I would always be there for him.

We officially reconciled in July 2009, I was elated thinking that we had survived a huge hurdle in our relationship and truly believed we were on track for a happily ever after.

Through Our Story – In The Beginning, the word I wish to float to the surface is “belief” as even when everything collapsed around us and Chris called off our wedding, I still believed with all my heart that he and I were meant to be together, happily and successfully married. A belief is an assumed truth. Hence everything is a belief and we create beliefs to anchor our understanding of the world around us. As such, once we have formed a belief, we will tend to persevere with that belief. All personal breakthroughs begin with a change in beliefs. The moment we begin to honestly question our beliefs and the experiences we assign to them, we no longer feel absolutely certain about them. This opens the door to replacing your old, disempowering beliefs with new beliefs that support you in the direction you want to go.

Question:

What do you believe to be true and concurrently, what do you expect and why?

Exercise:

1. Think of an event which is troubling you right now. Write it down.
2. Cast your mind back to when this event first began – what did you believe (at its moment of conception if you will) would happen?
3. Is what you believed would happen, exactly what has happened?
4. What’s this telling you about your beliefs and the power they exert over your life and results?
5. Think of a similar situation to the one you’ve analysed above.
6. When all was said and done with this situation, did you end up getting what you’d expected to receive from the outset?
7. Did you know that expectation powers the Law of Attraction, that what you expect, you get?
8. Given that expectation is therefore a powerful creative force, what are you expecting to happen most days with most things?
9. Could this maybe shed some light on why you get the results you do, over and over again?
10. Here’s a great link to a talk radio show teaching podcast on Expectation – enjoy!

My profound lesson:

What for me, is a belief? It’s a feeling of certainty about what something means – in this case, I knew without a shadow of doubt that Chris and I would get back together and live the rest of our lives together. What mattered is not whether others believed this, it was that I believed this. This was probably the first time in my entire life that I have known that I know that I know – in other words, this is how it will be and there can be no other outcome – it is done. Now, the challenge is that most of our beliefs are generalizations about our past, based on our interpretations of painful and pleasurable experiences. The other thing is, most of us do not consciously decide what we’re going to believe and often our beliefs are misinterpretations of past events. I love to develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide – yes this takes work and discipline but it’s so worth it in the long run, as once my new belief system has been accepted by, and locked down in, my subconscious mind, its game over which means that I can accomplish virtually anything, including those things other people are certain are impossible. That said, I’m always reviewing my beliefs, asking questions, searching to see if there’s more because this I do know, if my beliefs aren’t empowering me, then it’s time to change them.

To your success with love

Suzanne.