If the act of Giving doesn’t make you feel good, then don’t give!
Yes there are Givers and Takers in this world, and even when it wasn’t good for me I continued to give.
This is one of the most interesting Realms of my life and one crammed full of huge lessons for me. You may have noticed that not all of the lessons I have shared up to now are relevant to only one of the Realms of Life, that many of the lessons that I am sharing with you connect several Realms together. I wanted to share some of my behaviours around giving and loving too much, and how these can be mistaken for acts of service or giving in terms of the Laws of the Universe.
In life they say there are givers and takers and what I have always been, is an over-zealous giver. Giving was conditioned and programmed in to my subconscious mind from the moment my half-brother was unexpectedly plopped in to my arms. I learned that the only way to cope with my mother’s dramatic mood swings was to give her exactly what she wanted and whenever she wanted it.
Contributing Best Selling Authors to Leadership 2020 Book “In the Beginning”
I am not good enough
I rarely received any positive comments from my mother, but when she freely ladled out her criticism of me, as she so often did, I accepted it, I on-boarded it, I made it all mine! All that fed the very destructive belief within me that I was not good enough. I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. When you believe on the inside that you’re not good enough, then what has in effect happened is that you’ve installed a huge barrier or gate if you will, which will keep all the goodness on offer from freely flowing to you. How so? Because receiving goodness (in other words, the external receiving abundance) is not matched to your internal belief about yourself (I’m not worthy of receiving goodness).
If like me, you struggled to receive and accept praise, compliments and help then it’s because you too subconsciously have the gate installed and locked down to keep all the goodness on the outside of you. Gifts of any nature, even compliments, nourish our souls and so we should take the time to cherish them when they are given to us – we should allow them to make us feel good as that’s their purpose and that’s what they’re intended for – to make us feel good. Life tends to condition us to be better givers than receivers, that’s why most of us take such great delight in giving or doing something special for others, but find it extremely difficult to accept it in return.
As a little girl, I had so much to do, I had to look after my half-brother, tidy up the house, make the dinner, do my homework and so on and woe betide me if I showed any form of frustration with my lot in life – my mom’s looks could kill and you know she meant serious business when she looked at you in that certain way. So, I learned to be a calm and even tempered child, young woman and adult woman. I learned that the way to survive, was to give of myself and even when I had no more energy to give, I always found some in reserve to offer up. Because of this I was a servant to my job and business, a servant to my families, a servant to my children and a servant to my various romantic partners. Most of the time – correction – all of the time, this was because I loved too much, plus being a servant to everyone else was how I had been programmed as that was all I had ever known and been since a very young child. Rarely then, nor later in life, did I ever tell someone to just “F*** OFF” and given what I now know, I should have done much more of that over the years, especially with regard to people who desired to take massive advantage of my business acumen and money reserves. Again, it was a confidence thing!
By virtue of what happened to us when we were young and how our internal self-image was subsequently configured, some of us were “taught” that it is better to give than receive, but that is wrong! There is only giving with love and receiving with gratitude, that’s all. If we think it is better to give than receive, this suggests that there is something wrong with receiving. There is nothing wrong with receiving; in fact we should want to receive more. We should desire that the universe shower us with gifts, pleasures, joys, surprises, and success, and then we should show our appreciation for all these things by joyfully sharing some of the bounty we’ve been blessed with, with others. You see, the more you have, the more you can give back, but the reverse is definitely not always true.
Our Book Launch “Put The I Back In Team”
I found it so difficult to be a good receiver
What I couldn’t do, was to be a good receiver because in order to receive I had to sometimes be able to ask and I really didn’t know how to. Your ability to receive tells you a great deal about how you truly feel about yourself and where your internal self-esteem is pitched at. I am not alone in this though as most of us women are not good receivers. We women struggle to ask for help because we’re conditioned or programmed to be able to get on with it and do it ourselves; as such we find ourselves feeling massively uncomfortable when receiving something offered in pure kindness and sheer good grace. Think back to the last time you did something nice for someone – when they thanked you, did you graciously accept the compliment, their gratitude, or did you, as so many of us do, simply deflect their gratitude with the dismissive comment “It was nothing.”
Being of the so called fairer sex, a nurturer, I am type cast and expected to be more giving. Yes, in terms of the Laws of the Universe, it is written, “You must GIVE before you can RECEIVE” but, here is the curve ball, I spent so much time giving that I became a lousy receiver, and in most cases I gave on an emotional and financial scale that had no limits, no boundaries. The other thing is, if you’re giving something away, yet deep down you’re furiously hanging on to it because you’re actually really scared to let go of it (i.e. you’re unable to give it away with a free heart and mind) then know this uncomfortable truth – this act of giving doesn’t work for you, it works against you! Unless you can give something away with love and bless it to the other person unconditionally, you’re going to fall foul of the “Giver’s Gain” principle because it’s only those who can give freely, that will gain from giving.
Entrepreneurs Seminar – EBonoko Foudation
I excelled at being a Professional Giver
I could liken myself to being a Professional Giver in that if you needed anything, and if it was humanly possible for me to do so, I would get it or do it for you – even if this was at a silly cost to me. When times were good, money was no object; they asked and they received! They knew this and so they were all over me like a cheap suit. However, the moment the money was gone, so were they. When I was low on financial resources I made myself feel better by providing services for free and just as with money – my “I’m here for free” vibration attracted all those bloodsuckers who thrived on receiving “freebies” and then do absolutely nothing with what they have received. Bless them all – they weren’t anything other than messengers – each in his/her own way teaching me hugely valuable lessons and these were that I had to love myself more and value myself more.
Think about it – what was I telling the universe about my worth? I was always doing something and then receiving nothing in return. Guilt is such a destructive energy to embrace – it crushes you underfoot and then it crushes you some more. So, when you give someone something and if you desire to do so without experiencing any feelings of guilt or resentment, then give with unconditional love and do so without expecting to receive something back from the person you are giving to, except perhaps gratitude and if there’s none of that, just let it be, it is what it is. All that matters is that giving makes you feel good. If you can’t do this, if you can’t give unconditionally, then you haven’t yet mastered the art of giving – what you are therefore is not a giver, you’re a trader!
Guest Speakers Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
It is essential to be able to be a good receiver
When we don’t properly receive that which is given to us, we dishonour the giver. I remember having been on stage with Doug Nelson providing feedback on an exercise we were doing at a training. When I had finished, I had to stand centre stage, arms stretched out wide and I had to accept the applause from the entire group for what I shared. Moreover, I had to stay there until they had all stopped clapping. It was a very difficult thing to do, but when done, it left me feeling exhilarated and appreciated.
Receiving is actually much harder to do than giving, it is an art that requires practise. In order to receive well, you require a certain level of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. Right now, you may not yet have this. That’s okay, just start small – when someone gives you something, anything, see it as a gift and let the good feeling in. The more you do this, the easier it becomes. As your self-confidence and self-esteem increases you will realise that in order to be a good receiver you have to allow a level of intimacy with someone by allowing them in to your life and space, even if only momentarily. The first time I became truly comfortable with receiving, was with Chris. He showed me that though I had been a warrior all my life, what I really am, is a wizard by nature in that I love to create (which is wizardry) not to compete (the in-your-face way of the warrior if you will).
Bloemfontein Entrepreneurs Seminar – University of the Free State
A lot of women love too much
A book that did me a great service was given to me by Chris during the time we were apart. This book “Women who Love too Much” by Robin Norwood helped me to understand so many of my behaviours around relationships, not just those with the opposite sex, but with family, friends and my children too.
I reviewed all the relationships Robin included in the chapters of her book, and I could relate what I had done and what I was still doing with many of the behavioural traits listed for each. These are all packed in to the various stories which I am sharing with you through this story-telling process. I have loved someone who didn’t love me back. I have been in relationships that were bad yet the sex was great. I so badly wanted my mother’s approval that I created relationships that made me suffer, as through my suffering I thought perhaps she would find it within her to show me love. Through my very need for acceptance and love, I attracted everything I didn’t want in relationships – that’s right, it just walked right in through the front door of my life.
Is there a limit?
Michelle Pfeiffer in her role as Ellen in The Age of Innocence asked Newland Archer played by Daniel Day-Lewis if he is in love with someone. His response was “As much as a man can be.” In turn Ellen asked him “Do you think there is a limit?” with his final answer being “If there is I haven’t found it yet.” This line stuck with me for years and only through understanding what my own behaviours around giving, and what my skewed paradigms around love and affection, were, was I able to apply meaning to these lines for me. I gave, I gave everything I had. I gave emotionally, I gave physically, I gave financially and I gave spiritually. I gave so much that I gave myself away at the same time. I gave it all, and to everyone who came into my life. I was desperate for love, anyone’s and I was hoping that this would somehow miraculously render some form of absolution for me from my feelings of inadequacy and guilt.
In my mid-forties, even though I was well into my journey of self-awareness, the shame and guilt of losing everything entrenched this behaviour even deeper into my paradigms. Chris and I were on a journey to rebuild our lives together – we were picking up the pieces and starting over again with nothing. We were shell-shocked after our huge business failure and trying to rebuild some sense of self-worth. Because of this, we found it was easy to give our services away for free. So, we attracted people to us who didn’t expect to pay for anything and we sadly, were so grateful that they didn’t think us “complete abject failures” that we helped them without charging them.
Student Life Television Appearance
I had to value myself, we had to value ourselves
We did this over and over again until the realisation hit, that if we didn’t value ourselves, how could we expect anyone else to value us? This is all the wrong sort of giving. We were giving out of desperation and every time we did this it just made us feel even lower and more unworthy. This was when we decided that we would look at a way to still be of service to those who were in need of support, yet without giving away our souls or wasting excessive time on fruitless “coffee meetings” with bloodsuckers who want to pick your brains, who won’t even offer to pay for the coffee! It was then that our radio show was launched and for the past 3 years we’ve been teaching and coaching success principles on air and have built up what is now a lovely weekly talk-radio show which delivers superb life and business success teachings every week.
When our combined worlds imploded around our ears, Chris learned his greatest lesson, which was to stay. When the going got tough in his life, he was usually out of the door and on to his next relationship; this didn’t make him a bad man, he did this because that was his paradigm and his primary default setting, subconsciously. This time though he didn’t leave, and I learned how to let someone in. I learned how to receive, his love, his support and his help through what were some very dark and lonely times for me.
The Success Show – Community Radio Show
Don’t let relationships suffer by there being Givers and Takers in it
Relationships suffer because of this giving-receiving thing. You see it is not that people are not giving to each other, it is that they are not receiving from each other. I had to learn how to receive the love, respect, compliments, and acknowledgements from Chris and whenever I deflected them, he would call me on it and make me accept the goodness which was flowing from him to me. This is where gratitude comes in in a big way. We should practice receiving all the pleasures that happen to us daily, even the small things – especially the small things. There are so many simple everyday gifts from life which we are constantly being given: the beauty of nature, the sound of children playing, art, friendships, even stimulating conversations which to me are those where you’re not engaged in mindless idle chatter about someone else’s affairs! Thing is, do we receive them when they happen to us, or are we so preoccupied with other matters that we don’t even notice?
Identifying ways to give back and be of service whilst increasing my levels of self-worth and self-image has been challenging. I had to look at a way whereby I could learn how to give without expecting to receive something back from the very person to whom I was giving. I had to learn to be able to feel real joy at giving because if I didn’t, the act of giving would not be in harmony with the Law of Circulation. So, I looked for ways in which to give back that didn’t require money as at that time my money paradigms were shattered – they were of fear, lack and scarcity not of peace, prosperity and abundance. Therefore giving money would have just caused me even greater stress and duress – never a sensible thing to do as that defeats the object of giving.
The Success Show – Community Radio Show
Make giving something that brings you joy
What I did, was to take the stress out of giving by starting small. I gave away that which I could give with an open heart, I gave away small items like the occasional deodorant and toothpaste to a local charity, a few bags of groceries now and then to homes looking after the eldery or disabled and I gave away clothes and trinkets which I no longer wore. The wonderful thing was that when I gave away these “small items” I felt good – that’s right, there was no panic and there was no underlying sponsoring thought of “Good, now that I’ve given this, I will get something back from the Universe because I am a good person.” I just enjoyed the act of giving – it gave me joy and it made me feel good – that was what mattered! Life lesson learned – it’s not how much you give, it is how you give it that counts and when you give, allow the feelings of joy and delight to permeate every cell of your body – let your state tell you that I AM ENJOYING THIS! Access a fabulous teaching podcast of ours with regard to I AM because whatever follows these two words creates your reality and therefore your future results.
I AM PODCAST
Make a decision to master the art of receiving; be a good receiver and accept the gifts life offers you. It all starts with becoming more aware – more aware of what giving and receiving is really all about. Be a good receiver and let life’s blessings feed and nourish you on a soul level. Look around you and take notice of how much there is to receive and don’t be selfish or distracted; receive it generously and abundantly, show your appreciation and gratitude all the time. Gratitude sends out vibrations of energy that will attract even more gifts and blessings to you.
Having read There are Givers and Takers I hope you’ve learned something about giving as so many of us give out of duty to others, we give because we think it’s the right thing to do, we give because if we didn’t we’d be overcome with feelings of guilt, only to then find we’re overcome with feelings of resentment. What’s the point of giving then? To experience the joy of giving something knowing that it came from abundance. Giving is a truly beautiful experience when you connect with the universal truth of abundance – when you take from abundance, you’re then able to give from abundance because abundance remains. Few people understand this because most of us do not resonate with abundance given that we have deeply entrenched paradigms of poverty consciousness.
You doubt this fear of poverty in most people – even in well-to-do people living in nice houses?
Okay then, let’s put this to the test… Take any well-to-do family, then at an inopportune moment eat a huge hole in to their cash-flow (one which will impact on their lifestyle) and see what exactly happens, see how quickly “money fears” march right in to their every thought – see how quickly they’re ever so fearful of how they will pay the bills, see how quickly dramatic cost cutting happens, see how quickly they’re making everything about them and their lives smaller because the money in their world has been “dramatically reduced”. Argue as you may with this, we all have deeply entrenched poverty paradigms it’s just that we’re too afraid to admit these to ourselves, worse still, what might others think if they were to know that underneath all my external trappings of wealth (home, car, clothes, jewellery etc.) I had paradigms deeply rooted in fear of poverty?
Given that everything in this universe is energy and therefore has its own unique frequency and resonance, if you desire more of “something” then you need to able to give “that very something” away with unconditional love and sheer gratitude. Want more money? Then learn to give money (not clothes, not trinkets, not old odds and sods) to others with no strings attached. When you’re able to do this you’re mastering money, money is no longer mastering you! If you desire new curtains, give away your curtains, with love. If you desire new rugs, give away your rugs, with love. This places you in harmony with what is called with Law of Vacuum Prosperity and if you’ve never heard of this powerful giving-receiving law, then learn about it right now in this most brilliant book ( download of Bob’s You Were Born Rich book).
Question:
Even though you may not have been aware of how giving and receiving works energetically and spiritually, when you gave something to someone and you really didn’t want to do this [you did it because “you had to” because “you felt obliged to do so”] did any good ever flow back to you from that “false act of giving?”
Exercise:
- What is it that you most fear giving away? Name it! For many, it is money because they just can’t seem to fathom there is always enough money – be that as it may – giving away money with unconditional love is a really big ask for so many, so let me therefore use [money] in this exercise, purely for illustrative purposes.
- Why do you fear giving away [money]?
- Who or what event caused you to have this fear of [money]?
- Do you believe that there is more than enough [money] in this world to go around and for you to be rich to boot?
- If not, why not? Why don’t you believe you can have plenty of [money]?
- How’s this subconsciously programmed belief about [money] helping you to live the life you want?
- You do know that givers gain yes?
- So – it therefore holds true that if you want more [money] you have to give [money] away and feel love, joy, delight and gratitude when doing this, yes?
- Right – so therefore, if you desire to receive more money then you have to put yourself in harmony with the Law of Circulation of [money] because when you do, you’re aligning yourself with the universal truth that Givers Gain!
- So, what’s an amount of [money] which you’re okay to part with right now?
- Excellent – now set that [money] aside and decide that you’re going to give it away with love, joy and gratitude to some fortunate person.
- If you have that money in your purse or wallet, then give it away to the deserving person(s) the next time you’re out and about. NO ifs, but’s or maybes – just do it!
- The purpose of this is to make yourself feel good, to make you realise that you can give away [money] and feel wonderful doing this – that you can conquer your fears of poverty. You’re doing this to make yourself feel special, so when you give the [money] to them him/her/tell him/her/them that you’re giving it to them because it’s a very special day for you and so you want to share it with others and make them feel special too!
- Whether they thank you or not, think you’re crazy or not, is not the issue. What matters is that by giving away that which you fear giving away most, you’re conquering your fear around [money] and therefore you’ve just taken a huge step toward mastering [money] and not have [money] always mastering you.
- Exactly the same holds true for any other form of energy e.g. love, happiness etc.
- If you’ve been hurt in love and you’re terrified of giving love, then the only way to counter this fear is to do the very thing you fear most – give love to someone and give it unconditionally – you’ll be so glad you did.
My profound lesson:
Given my no-holds barred story above, it’s evident that I was a giver – I was giving to please everyone else but myself. I was giving because that’s all I’d ever known what to do. Since a little girl, it was always about everyone else and never about me. This coupled with a poor internal self-image meant that even when I received, very little of this goodness went in to nourish and replenish me. Because I felt so worthy and undeserving on so many levels, what I received, soon just leaked away, leaving me feeling empty again and then in a fearful subconsciously originated desire to fill myself up again, I’d attempt to do this through giving – more like “buying the affection of others.” I bought cars for people and they did not deserve them because they had absolutely no idea how to properly look after anything. Yet I still went ahead and did this because maybe this would make them love me a little more. What a fool I was. Yes – I was a fool, however that was all this fool knew how to do and when your innermost operating programme is run by some powerfully programmed lines of foolish code, you will behave in that way because that’s all you know.
The greatest gift the universe could ever give me was to empty my pockets, my bank accounts, my everything, of money – as when I had none, it all became clear why this was so. I had a choice back then – to either make wild sweeping statements which blamed everyone else, to lament my misfortune (excuse the pun!) or to ask questions, powerful questions, as to why I had chosen to experience this and what it was that I needed to learn. Thankfully I chose the latter and as I dug in to “THE WHY” around what had gone down, so it all became very clear and as the mists of confusion lifted in my mind, so I gained clarity around how my life would be going forward. I connected with what I would and would not accept and where I would now draw a line in the sand, not an invisible one, but one which everyone knew and understood and if they didn’t like this new me, this powerful self-centred me, this line in my sandbox, then that was none of my business.
Today I am still a loving giver and I’m thrilled to say that I am now a brilliant receiver too. That said, if something is being “given to me” which I do not feel comfortable with receiving (my intuition tells me this right away as the energy around this action just isn’t right) then I will politely decline it – you don’t have to accept everything being given to you, just as you don’t have to give to others because you “feel obliged” to do so.” I hope my giving-receiving journey has helped you understand much more about this specific aspect of duality and that having read this article and done this exercise, you will be asking superb questions of yourself around how and why you give and how and when you receive.
To your Success, with love
Suzanne Styles
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Why Clients Choose to Work with Suzanne.
Suzanne and I have been great friends since we met in our early twenties.
Life had not treated her well, and yet she displayed an amazing fortitude and fought her battles head-on until she reached the top of her male dominated industry (not an easy challenge in a country with the scales often weighted against strong businesswomen and single Mums), but she proved it possible and learned a lot of practical life lessons along the way. Many people lead circular lives, repeating the same patterns every day and expecting things to change. Suzanne has learned how to create a linear life where you keep moving forward and upward, despite the many challenges the world throws at you.Suzanne has the unique ability to really listen and then gently guide you into the better future that you deserve. She is able to reframe your perspective and focus before you even start changing your life so that your goals are solid and realistic and will probably exceed your expectations. As we know, personal growth is not a decision, but a journey and Suzanne will stand by you throughout your adventure because she has already achieved this success herself.
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